Retirement for the British married man. What happens when a man gets to 65?
Does he reach a stage in his life when he thinks that he has done most of what he wanted to do and now he can...
Does he reach a stage in his life when he thinks that he has done most of what he wanted to do and now he can sit back and enjoy his retirement?
Does he think that it is up to the others now to carry on in the way that he has taught them?
Does he expect the full cooperation of everyone around him because he has always given them all of his attention in the past?
He’s been dashing around for all those years and there’s no need to move fast at all anymore is there?
Why do you need a rapid boil kettle when you’re retired?
No way, you are living in a dream world.
The reality of it all is that there is no such thing as taking it easy, because when you do, they think you’ve lost your marbles.
Your children will turn up on your sixty fifth birthday and discuss the state of your mind with your wife as though you are not even in the room.
The conversation goes like this “how’s he coping, is he alright, is he bored yet”
They will drop big hints about you now having the time to do all their little jobs for them but raise doubts about your ability to actually do them.
Some days they will question whether or not you have the physical abilities and another day the mental abilities.
Some days both qualities are called into question.
It’s not long before the questions arise, will you be alright driving that far or,
are you sure you know what you are doing?
For goodness sake when you were working you drove up to 200 miles in a day and still took them shopping in the evening.
Can you remember when you had to make all the decisions about mortgages, energy suppliers and such?
Can you remember when someone needed to be telephoned and you were told that you should sort it because that was what husbands and dads do and could you do it from work because my friends always phone me during the day.
Now, every decision you make is questioned and every phone call you make you will be told what to say and when to say it.
For years nobody wanted to open your mail, now you never even get to the letter box first.
Nobody ever asked if there was enough money in the bank to cover all the bills, now the finances are the responsibility of the wife and don’t even think about disagreeing or suggesting alternative methods.
Do not suggest trying a different brand of something in the supermarket, or the stinging remarks will start.
What is wrong with the brand we always have, why didn’t you say before that you don’t like it, are you criticising the way I run my home?
If you offer to help in the kitchen you will be accused of wanting to take over.
If you offer to help with the vacuuming, the same applies.
If you dare to approach the biscuit tin your waist line will come under scrutiny.
When you were working you always had a few quid in your wallet, just in case.
What do you want money for, she’s always with you and she has enough for both of you, that’s if you can get it off her.
Before, when you wanted a new printer for your computer it was fine because, they are your wages you must spend them as you wish.
Now it’s, what do you want a new one for, can’t you make the old one last a bit longer.
“Why do you want to spend all your time searching for your ancestors” she says,” You probably wouldn’t have liked them anyway”.
Can you remember when the late film came on just as you were off to bed and you swore that when you retired you would sit up and watch them right through to the end?
“Forget it, it’s a waste of electricity sitting there on your own until all hours it’ll be on again next week” she says.
How about spending some quality time with the grandson?
Can’t do that, he has gone off to university, he is now gainfully employed on a 3 year drinking course financed by the British public.
You can recall the days when you helped to teach him to ride his bike and took him to the baths to learn to swim.
When he was eight he said,” When you’re dead can I have your camera “?
Now, he’s not interested because he has his camera phone and an I Pod thingy and an SLR camera is far too difficult to master.
There was a time when he declared that granddad was his mentor, granddad knew everything, best person to ask is granddad, he’ll know.
Need a lift into town, ask granddad.
Want to know how they make things, ask granddad.
Now he’s at university granddad is the last person on his contacts list.
Never mind it was all good while it lasted and there isn’t anything I would change even if I could.
Listen lads, if you should recognise any of the above facts just smile and keep them to yourself, for goodness sake don’t show it to the wife.
I’ve been told to say that all characters portrayed herein are fictitious and do not bear any resemblance whatsoever to any persons living or dead or living locally.
David Wood
Comments
My Dad's just emailed me. He
To Matt's dad,,,,,, demand a
To Matt's dad,,,,,, demand a new hoover now while you still have some bargaining power left.
Dave
My husband retired just over
My husband retired just over a year ago,having done 50 years work,and do you know I am guilty of all those things that are written above the only exception is the grandson item as we only have one grandchild and he is only 3 months old,until I read that piece I never realised that I did those things,but that piece really hit home and I have now resolved to behave with a bit more respect,mind you he will be so shocked if I stop opening his mail and telling him what to say on the phone and if I start giving him money and let him loose in MY kitchen making a mess he will most probably call a family conference and convince the kids I am going bonkers,so on second thoughts perhaps its best to just carry on as usual.
Well lads I feel seriously
Well lads I feel seriously let down here.
Only 3 comments, one from Matt, one from me and one from a wife who intends to carry on as though nothing has happened.
Surely there must be at least one man out there with access to a computer for just a few minutes so that you can leave an anonymous comment.
When I wrote this it was supposed to be tongue in cheek and to be taken with a pinch of salt or in other words, let's have a laugh, but I think I have hit on a raw nerve here.
Is everybody out there toooooo scared to comment?
Is there anybody out there bold enough to make a statement to the free world.
Come on lads, man up and speak out against retirement oppression.
Throw away your marigolds, refuse to hoover up, demand pocket money again and most of all, stand up to her.
Dave, you might not have got
Dave, you might not have got many comments, but take heart it's had a lot of reads.
The lack of comments has been mentioned a lot, I just think it's just a local trait.
OMG we are here for a good
OMG we are here for a good time not a long time and that includes retirement winter months abroad in a warmer climate. Summer months playing golf and visiting family and friends eating their food and drinking their wine that is what retirement will be like for me.
They all say that bj-dj,
They all say that bj-dj, some last longer than others and some fall at the first fence.
They fill us full of hope and then it starts to creep in, " be a love " she says " just wash those few dishes for me" and the next thing you know the hoover is there waiting for you when you get up in the morning, but don't worry she is just nipping out to see her friends and as long as it's done before she gets back it'll be ok.
Playing golf and drinking wine, I like it but I don't think so.
Dave you may or may not
Dave you may or may not believe this we both work full time and I do very little around the house. My argument is this I can wash dishes, hang out washing, hoover, dust and make the bed but what is the point because after I have done it the other half does it again because I did not do it right. So now I have told her that there is no point in me wasting my time and effort doing these thing wrong when she can do them right first time and lucky for me she agree's.
I've got to agree. It's not
I've got to agree. It's not fair on you're partner if you make a pigs ear of a job.
When she then steps in, as I'm told often, you tend to create twice as much work.
Be careful it's obviously a
Be careful it's obviously a trap, they never give in that easily.
Tell her to get the marriage
Tell her to get the marriage certificate out and read the small print it clearly states that the work load is shared 50-50 I MAKE THE MESS SHE CLEANS IT UP! job done.
I don't think I'll make
I don't think I'll make retirement age if the Mrs reads this
That's it lads, the papers
That's it lads, the papers for the monastic retreat arrived this morning and the wife says she will gladly fill them in for me.
The funny thing is, I didn't even apply for the bloomin papers so I don't know how they knew about my dilemna.
There are a couple of boxes to tick asking how long I would like to stay, I said to the wife perhaps just a week or so but she never answered, perhaps she doesn't really want me to go.
I don't mind as long as they have a broadband connection and a bar.
So if you don't hear from me for a while you can rest assured that I will be well looked after and enjoying my retirement.
Dave
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