Christmas Jokes
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What did one snowman say to another?
Can you smell carrots
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !
Pantomime Jokes
What did Cinderella say when the Chemist lost her photographs ?
Someday my prints will come.
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You certainly did!
Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!
Why was Cinderella such a poor football player ?
She had a pumpkin for a coach !
Comments
Jokes 2
Tip from Rudolph "Never eat yellow snow"
Then there was the Irish Turkey that was looking forward to Christmas.
A visual collection of Christmas jokes
I've just posted just a few funny Christmas images to the top of page from Steve. The majority of which I was unable to post up.
Santa reading the note from TIMMY is my favorite.
Adult jokes for Christmas
Some one has found this page by typing "Adult Jokes for Christmas". I hope they weren't too disappointed.
HO HO HO not more jokes
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !
We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !
I laughed, theres no help for me
Please tell me those aren't all from memory.
snow joke there's more
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !
What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !
What's an ig ?
An eskimo's home without a loo !
What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers !
Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?
A ball-point pen-guin.
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
Why don't the polar bears eat the penguins?
Because they can't get the silver paper off!
Yet More!!!!!
Yet more Christmas jokes:-
What is Santa's wife called?
Mary Christmas
What do you get if you cross a snoman and a shark?
Frost Bite
What happens when you drop a snowball into a glass of water?
It gets wet
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's depp, pan, crisp and even
Tesco Jokes
WM did you get on the outrage bus for Tesco,s Christmas card. See linky. Yes its is funny
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8414214.stm
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1235958/Mother-urges-Tesco-stop-...
Xmas Advent Jokes
from my son's calendar
What kind of paper likes music?
Rapping paper
What's white & goes up?
A confused snowflake
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
A crappy Christmas ditty
Even my Aunty is sending me gags for the site now.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me
I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard
As we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door
The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old.
We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried
But we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died.
The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince
When he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter
I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas poor Dad began to cry
He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.
On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue
And everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was moulting
Mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips
The guests had gone, the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips!
YO HO HO
MERRY cHRISTMAS to all. At last my sofas arrived this morning so my friends will not have to sit on the floor or bean bags.
Have a good un !!!!
Nothing better to do !!!!
Hey up Crimbo day and I still check ouy the site. Think I need to get a life.
Steady your (s)elf, I've
Steady your (s)elf, I've found the motherload of Christmas jokes, enjoy, they are groantastic.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of christmas passed!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pudding.
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
1. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
3. What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.
4. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
7. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
8. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
Bump
Bump
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