Funnies 3

I always check bankeyfields each day,very rarely do I comment,but today web monkeys excerpt from Disorder in American courts was so funny I have had such a good laugh,thankyou.

Don't be shy, if you have fairly clean jokes please post them up

Here's some old Viz top tips I had hanging around my inbox.

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in
front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
standing outside their window and changing their channel using your
identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog
has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into
thinking you have won the Lottery.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the
road. - D Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff
straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake ****** to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the
buggers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find
the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used
for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only
2 days